Mark my words, senators, those who slip through the lion's claw
will end up poisoned by the serpent's venom.
- What's with all the animals anyway? - It's just a manner of speech, I think.
What?!
Um... uh... it's just that, O Caesar,
what exactly do you mean by the serpent's venom?
- It was the lion's claw part I didn't get. - It's all Greek to me...
The lion's claw, the invincible might of Rome!
Like the talons of the falcon...
A falcon now?
Like the talons of the falcon,
it has closed upon every single continent
except here, in Brittany, where a handful of indomitable Gauls
continue to ridicule Rome and mock its imperial eagle...
Any objections to imperial eagle?
If those barbarians refuse to embrace Rome, so be it,
Rome will embrace them!
- Uh... that was the signal, right? - That was the signal.
Behold the serpent's venom...
Their beloved forest will give way to glorious mansions.
Roman civilization will encroach upon them
until they are forced to adapt or perish...
I have entrusted the construction of our magnificent city to the young architect Anglaigus,
who has already designed a number of buildings,
most of which are still standing.
Well done, Anglaigus! What a marvellous little model.
And, uh... what name do you plan on giving your glorious city?
- Well, uh, at first... - No, it was total crap.
- I just dropped it... - Any suggestions, Senator Prospectus?
Ideally, it should be a name that... evokes Rome.
But that's not exactly Rome.
- Rum? - Rum?
It's close enough, right?
- I suppose so, but it could get confus... - Never mind. What do you think of...
The Mansions of the Gods?
The Mansions of the Gods
I'm not so sure...
Why not? Let's run with that.
Astérix: The Mansions of the Gods
Hi, there!
- This one's all yours, Obélix! - You better believe it's mine!
- I saw it first! - Really?
Yes, really! He's scared of me, not of you!
How do you know? Did you two talk it over?
I always spot boars first, and you know it!
Maybe I put them in your path without you noticing!
What would I do without the great Astérix?
Oh, cut it out!
When it comes to boars, I'm the fastest!
- At eating them, definitely! - It's mine!
- Mine! - Mine! Mine! Mine!...
Mine!
Obélix!
That boar...
has my name on it!
Huh? It's not yours, it's mine!
Uh?
What in Gaul's name is that thing?
Hmm...
Pff!
91, 92, 93, 94, 95...
Not now, not now! 96, 97,
and... 98.
Okay, this is the first tree to cut down!
Oh, for Vesta's sake, get it off me! Down, boy!
I wouldn't mess with the trees, Roman! It makes Idéfix really mad!
Now, now, Idéfix, that's enough!
Get out! You have no business being here!
This construction site is off limits to the public, understand?!
I sure like Romans without armour.
They make a nice sound when they hit the ground.
Hey, will someone get Abraracourix? Tell the chief it's important!
He's in a meeting. Can I take a message?
Go ahead, lads, I'm listening.
- What's going on? - Squabble about fish that's not fresh.
- What do you mean, it's not fresh? - I was answering a question! Go on.
We ran into Romans right here in the forest.
- Sure did! Romans with string. - String? What sort of string?
The sort of string you trip and fall on.
It seems we stumbled upon a Roman construction site.
- Strange. What are the Romans up to? - For now, it's just string.
Sounds harmless. That's settled! Okay, back to the brawl!
Keep an eye on that construction site for me. You never know.
- Ah! Hey! We're trying to talk, here! - Try talking to this!
I will not tolerate barbarians with moustaches getting in the way
- of Caesar's plan! - Don't say I didn't warn you, Architect.
The Gauls don't like us messing with their forest.
Their forest?
Will you please stop fidgeting? Keep still!
Where in Juno's name do they think they are?
They think they're at home. That's the problem.
Oh, yeah? Well, make way for civilization! We are gonna deforest their forest!
Ha! You'll have to de-Gaul it first.
That's the mission Caesar gave you, and I plan to make sure...
Ave, Centurion!
What is it, Givusabonus?
The slaves demand we give them work, they're bored.
This operation is temporarily suspended while we attempt to secure the site!
- Say what? - What part didn't you get?
Not a word.
Yeah, well, never mind.
Now look, the only way to avoid the Gauls is to work nights.
Work nights? Really? Ridiculous.
Yeah, well, so is your bandage.
Centurion, pardon me, but my colleagues and I were wondering...
Should we...
Unbelievable. How many times do I have to tell you to wait for my signal?
And what is the signal again?
"What's the signal again?" For the 30th time,
- it's when I raise my arm. - Absolutely.
- Just do it, for Jupiter's sake! - Shh!
- Just do it, for Jupiter's sake... - I can't until my scouts report back.
Centurion, the soldiers and I think you and the neurotic architect
need to pipe down or you'll wake the Gauls.
Get back to the ranks!
- What do you think you're doing? - You raised your arm.
- I did not! - Yes, you did, which is why, whack!
I gave the order.
Ave, Centurion! Recon reporting!
- Wait, where were you two? - Right here.
Here? How can you recon here?
We didn't want to stray too far because...
- I didn't catch that. - Because of what?
- The Gauls! - The... the Gauls?
Sound the retreat!
Ave, Centurion!
Get your butts back here, you boneheads!
But...
Idéfix? Ooh!
- Again? What's going on this time? - Hmm?
It's the Romans again.
There, Idéfix, everything's back to normal!
Okay, for those of you who have pudding for brains...
Now listen up!
If you think you can knock down one tree per night
and then sit around growing toe fungus...
- Present! - Zip it, Tofungus!
- Move it, don't stand there like mushrooms! - Where's the tree we uprooted last night?
I have some rather bad news, I'm afraid. It's no longer uprooted.
- It's what now? - The tree, it's been replanted.
- You mean figuratively? - No, no, no...
Replanted as in... replanted. Look.
No, this can't be happening!
Is this some sort of sick joke?!
Centurion, the psycho architect is making a racket again!
Silence!
That's it, we're out of here, there's no fighting sorcery.
- Oh no, that tree is coming down. - Again?
Yes, again, and we're taking it back to camp so no one replants it!
Uprooting trees is part of our contract. On that, we agree.
- But their transport... - Now look here! You're slaves!
Just do as you're told and keep your mouths shut!!!
Centurion, you're the one making a racket!
You too, zip it! And you, start pulling!
- Good thing I didn't bring Idéfix. - Oh, druid, what are we going to do?
I may have a little trick up my sleeve.
So that's it? That's your trick?
Those acorns are nuts!
Isn't it amazing, Obélix, how fast those trees grew?
I don't really know. How fast do trees usually grow?
I've got some more, um... not such good news.
I do admit it can seem demoralizing at first glance.
Let's focus on the positive.
Our motivation is intact, and that's what matters.
So far, there's been no talk of giving up, and for that, we can congratulate ourselves.
Chew before you swallow, Obélix!
Why? What for? Hey, there's one last acorn in my pocket!
Obélix, don't! Not in my...
Obélix, you're gonna pull that tree out of the ground this instant!
Nope, sorry, I couldn't do that to Idéfix.
So, if I understand correctly,
not only are the Mansions of the Gods nowhere close to being built...
Now, you tell me the Romans refuse to live there?
We haven't encountered much enthusiasm.
Our fellow citizens are somewhat reluctant to emigrate to Brittany.
That's it! If we could only build the Mansions right outside Rome,
they wouldn't be so far from home.
Find a solution, you incompetent fools, or I'll feed you to the lions in the arena!
Now that would amuse the Roman citizens and it's right here in Rome!
The arena...
- What an excellent idea, O Caesar. - Hmm?
"Ha! Ha! You nasty wretch, I'll tear your guts out!"
"Hercules, help me! Oh, help me, Hercules!"
"Ta-da-da! It is I, Hercules! You'll pay for this, evil Trojan!
I'll squash you like a cockroach!"
Ah, Mischiefus, mind sparing us the bloodshed, the carnage, the massacre?
- He's having fun! Leave him alone! - Fun? It's insanely violent!
Where does he get it from, anyway?
Should we do a double lock, or go for a triple?
Double.
By the way, how's your neck? Still stiff?
A little. I need to avoid sudden movements.
- Ready for the viper slam? - Ready.
- Man, that viper slam is the worst. Ugh! - Well, I guess this is it, buddy.
Be a pal, will ya? Try to make it a nice, clean kill.
Ah, wouldn't you know it, commercial.
Is it too much to ask to get a decent slaying around here?
Yeah, tell me about it.
Romans, citizens,
you had enough?
Enough of Rome and its polluted air and filth?
Enough of the stench, the noise, the stress, the traffic?
Eh, not really, no.
Now, you can leave it all behind and start fresh in a haven of tranquillity!
This brand new oasis of greenery awaits you!
Just three weeks away from central Rome!
Today, the divine Caesar will grant one of you
the opportunity to win an apartment in the luxurious Mansions of the Gods!
Please find an informational tablet at your feet.
- Ah! It looks like paradise! - Yeah, but it's in Brittany.
- Where's Brittany again? - Wherever it is, it's far.
Now, let the grand lottery begin!
The lucky winner is...
the person who now holds the informational tablet number...
Two!
That... that's you! You won! Raise your hand! Stand up!
- Shh! I don't want to go to Brittany! - You don't even know where it is!
Well? Who has lucky number two?
We do! We do! He's here! Here's the winner!
What have we won, a gladiator?
Give him a big hand as he makes his way down to the arena!
Oh! See how handsome your father looks?
- He's like a Greek god! - Well done!
Congratulations!
Now smile... Hold up the number and smile.
Um...
- Where exactly is Brittany? - In Gaul.
Oh, right. That's quite a way, huh?
And, uh, what if I refuse to leave?
You stay here and we feed you to the lions.
Then again, I always say a little fresh air can't hurt!
Well, well...
Yes, indeed, I gotta admit, Roman architecture is mighty impressive.
So that's the entrance hall, I take it?
Okay, that's it, we're done here, so just go back to Rome
and tell the big kahuna that this party is over.
Never, you hear me? Never!
Caesar entrusted me with a mission and I fully intend to see it through to the end,
even if it means working the slaves to death!
He's going to work the slaves to death?
Well, if we keep replanting trees, that's what'll happen.
- What can we do about it, Panoramix? - We can think.
I have an idea, but I already know you won't like it.
We can thrash 'em, give the Romans a licking!
That's it! That was my idea!
I may have a plan to protect the slaves,
a plan that would indeed require a thrashing, but just a little one.
A little thrashing? ls there such a thing?
Rock, paper, scissors!
Excuse me, we're looking for the slave camp, please.
Hello!
You would not believe what a good mood I'm in!
Well, I guess it's this way.
We brought you a present.
Our druid made you a batch of our magic potion.
Shouldn't we taste it first, just to be sure?
No, not you! It'll give you the superhuman strength to escape. You're free.
Uh... first, allow me to say how grateful I am, but is running away a solution?
Excuse me?
You talk of escape, but isn't running away...
And I admit to playing devil's advocate here.
Isn't it just another form of slavery?
Well, I would say it's more like a first step towards freedom...
And yet, there's no escape without oppression.
I'm teasing a bit, but admit there's room for debate.
I'm not here to debate, just to bring the potion.
And I appreciate it, but going back to the notion...
Just take that darn potion, already, will ya?
Absolutely, absolutely.
Hmm!
What just happened?
Our friendly neighbours the Gauls just popped into say hello.
Now don't you start making trouble!
Ouch...
Okay, starting today, we are to receive the same salary as the legionnaires.
- We want paid holidays, two daily meals... - Tres.
- Come again? - Three.
Oh, okay, make that three daily meals.
- Is that it? - Not quite.
Once we're finished building the Mansions of the Gods, we want to be emancipated.
- Emancipated? - It means free.
Ah! Si, Si!
What's more, once it's built, we each get an apartment in the building.
- That's just... an extra bonus. - Present!
- But you can't accept! - Yes... I think it would be wise.
Done deal.
Well, well! Yes, indeed, I got to admit, Roman architecture is mighty impressive.
- A fine piece of work. - Now, what do you want?
Well, Centurion, there seems to be a rumour going around
that the slaves get the exact same salary we do.
I assume that you'll confirm it's hog...
- I saw it first! - No, you didn't!
- It's mine! - Mine! Mine!
Just what do you think you're doing?
We gave you the magic potion to help you run away!
Well, we discussed it at length and came to the conclusion
that "runaway slave" is not exactly the most rewarding career path for now.
For Toutatis' sake, what more do you want?
It's quite simple, really:
to become free Roman citizens.
But for that to happen, we need to finish this building.
We're not gonna let you destroy our forest! This has gone on long enough!
We'll be back!
And if you're not gone, we'll turn that building into dust!
Did everyone take a nice big swig?
No.
Now silence, it's time for my speech.
You don't even know who it is we're thrashing!
- A bug's a bug! - Who cares!
We're not gonna thrash anyone! We're gonna demolish a building...
Demolish everything in sight! That's all we need to know!
What he said!
- Group 45, come this way! - What happened to 44?
44 is Entrance C.
Civilians...
Oh, look, a little costumed entertainment while we wait in line!
Eh... I would've preferred a light refreshment.
Marcus, sweetie...
Come along, now.
- Can... we knock the big house down, now? - No.
- Fine, then. How about one little column? - No.
- Well, can lat least smash that cart? - No!
Mind telling me what's the use of Romans if we can't hurt them at all?
Come on, lads, let's go back home.
No, I need to see the deed to the property.
For the third time, it's the only deed I have!
It was given to us by Caesar himself! Isn't that good enough?
- It's simple, Anomalus. - Anonymus.
- Anonymus. I can't allow... - Still!
- Stop moving around, or I'll be here forever! - What's taking so long, for Vesta's sake?
Rome wasn't built in a day!
Same goes for mosaics.
- That is one sloppy mosaic. - Come again?
The tiles are uneven and the cement is really not thick enough.
It's not a good time for this!
- My mosaic is perfect, Asparagus. - Anonymus.
Anonymus. It's simple: no deed, no apartment.
Have a good day. Next!
- Come on! It took us a month to get here! - Look, Caesar himself...
Come back with the required documents and I'll reconsider your request. Next!
Come on, get lost, I'm busy.
- Pew, pew, pew! - Lost in Brittany with nowhere to go.
What if we run into Gauls?
Let's hope not. I'd have to fight, and I hate fighting.
"Hercules will crush you to pieces!
Look, ha, ha! He can lift a column with his little finger! Ta-na-na!"
Am I allowed to play with the little doggy?
Why sure! He's very good at fetching sticks, you know!
Right, Idéfix?
I've been trying to teach him to fetch standing stones, but no luck yet.
Go on, Idéfix! Fetch!
Wow! Hercules!
- We have the worst luck. - You said it. What's gonna hit us next?
Mom! Dad!
- I found Hercules! - Hercules? Where?
- Mischiefus! - Let the boy go!
Let's settle this man to man!
- Say it, everyone! Yes, we can! - No, we can't!
- Huh? Okay, so we can't thrash the Romans... - The soup's getting cold!
Just a minute, sugar bun, be right there!
Like I said, we can't wallop the Romans, but there's things we can do, right?
We drank the magic potion for nothing!
I'm warning you.
If I run into a Roman civilian in the forest,
I'll give him the dirtiest look of his life!
I'm warning you! If a Roman civilian is lost, I'll give him directions,
but I won't care if he goes the wrong way!
And I'm warning you! If a Roman offers to help carry my basket,
I'll say thank you, but I won't mean it at all!
These are my pals. They have nowhere to go.
Something about a missing whatchamacallit?
Well, that takes the cake. The last time a Roman set foot here, I wasn't born!
I refuse to let Romans set one foot in our village. Civilians are not...
I don't know about you, but it's starting to feel a little bit like an invasion to me.
Invaders! We're under attack!
Invaders? What are you talking about? It's a lost family.
- But sugar plum... - A family is a family.
That poor child must be starving. I won't have it.
Come and have some... lukewarm soup.
Pay no attention to those big brutes.
Sit down.
Astérix, village warrior.
Anonymus, mosaic artist.
I'd put you up, but my house had a run-in with an acorn.
- A very naughty acorn. - Obélix will sort everything out for you.
Hmm...
- Okay, so what do we do now? - Do about what?
About the Mansions of the Gods, the Roman invasion.
We can't sit here and do nothing!
In the meantime, more buildings are going up,
which means more Romans are on their way.
Right. We have to find a way to get rid of the civilians without thrashing them.
It's time, let's do it. Obélix!
So I raise my horn and toast to your new life
at the Mansions of the Gods.
That's more like it. Finally, the famous Brittany rain.
When I think that back in Rome, it's stifling hot.
- Ave. - 'Morning.
'Morning.
Get your fish fresh as the morning dew!
How much is your mackerel, sir?
- Uh... 1 sesterce? - 1 sesterce?
In Rome, they charge 5, and it's not as fresh.
5?! Not here, no, no, no... Here, it's... 1...
Maybe because we're right by the sea!
Well, in Rome, aren't we right by the sea?
In Rome, we're by the sea, but it's dirty.
- I'll take three. - Yes!
Hmm! You proud of yourself?
What? I should've refused to sell the Romans?
You want me to starve the poor kid? Is that it?
Do you realize, if you were in Rome,
you could sell those fish for 5 sesterces apiece?
If you were in Rome, we'd be rid of that toxic stench.
Incomplete. Denied. Next!
- What's going on out there? - I don't know, it's too dark!
- What's going on? Do you know? - No, can't see a thing!
Oh, well, let's get some sleep, we might as well.
Nothing could ever be worse than Rome!
At least here, we've got the Brittany rain to cool us off!
Ave.
- 'Morning. - 'Morning.
Step right up! Mansions of the Gods special offer, 4 sesterces a mackerel! 4!
Cheaper than Rome!
Oh, that knick-knack is divine!
Well, it's no ordinary knick-knack.
It happens to be an authentic shield who belonged to Vercingetorix himself.
Hey! How much junk do you make a week that belonged to Vercingetorix himself?
Your fish is about as fresh as a mummy in a tomb!
File incomplete!
Denied! Next!
What's going on, do you know?
I don't know, it's too dark.
Oh, well, let's get some sleep, we might as well.
Anyway, nothing could ever be worse than Rome.
And we've got the rain to cool us off, at least!
Ave.
'Morning.
How much do you want?
Mansions of the Gods special: 40 sesterces.
If that piece of junk had belonged to Vercingetorix,
it'd be worth at least triple, you Knucklehead!
First of all, I charge what I want!
And second of all, what's 40 times three again?
120. And at that price, a bargain!
Ah! Unbelievable!
Just say that fish of yours belonged to Vercingetorix,
'cause it sure smells like him!
Bravo!
Next, please!
We got it! We got it! We got it!
Mansions of the Gods, here we come!
Good day, good day.
Oh, my! Ha, ha! Good day.
My pleasure.
Nice work, boys, well done.
Impressive, Anglaigus. Very impressive.
And you finished on schedule.
Well, it wasn't all smooth sailing, Senator.
He's showing off now, but you should've seen his face last week.
- Boy, did he get his toga in a twist! - You done yet?
- Centurion? - No, no, not now, later.
- Except that later, the Senator will be gone. - What is it?
It's just that... I promised to free them, but it's not really in my power.
You actually promised the slaves you'd set them free?
And he paid them! And he gave each one an apartment in the Mansions of the Gods!
- What? - What can I say? I hate conflict.
Leave it to me.
Slaves!
By the powers vested in me by Caesar, the Senate, the people of Rome and whatnot,
I, Senator Caius Habius Prospectus, badabing, set you free.
- We're free now? For real? - Yes.
Wonderful! We really appreciate it, don't we?
Great! Oh, may I remind you to hand in the keys to your apartments?
But we were under the impression they'd been given to us.
When you were still slaves. But alas, no more.
Now, you have to pay rent. It costs 15 sesterces a week...
- 15 sesterces? - Mm-hmm.
- That's a hefty sum. - But the good news is,
it just so happens we have positions currently available in construction.
The salary is... 15 sesterces per week.
- Do you accept? - It's an... interesting proposition...
Done! You're hired!
Um... Anglaigus, shouldn't your workers be working?
Enough loafing around!
What do you lazy bums think Caesar pays you for?
Get your butts back to the construction site and get to work!
I call that slavery.
Hmm... I have to admit, you're very effective.
No... I am a senator.
Step right up! Brand new antiques! 10% off!
If it's ancient you want, come to the expert, ladies!
A father and son business since Vercingetorix!
7 sesterces a mackerel! 7!
6-99 sesterces a mackerel! 6.99 sesterces!
Buy three mackerels, get three free!
That's... six mackerels for a total of... I don't know anymore!
No, it's my shield! The answer is no! It's not for sale!
Even for 400 sesterces?
Is it a gift? I'll wrap it for ya. Right this way.
Don't forget your change! As usual, the lemons are free!
- Enjoy! - Thanks. I hope they're organic...
- Give us a couple of fish, will ya? - That's a first. You eat fish, now?
We're forced to. There's not a wild boar left in the forest, thanks to this nonsense.
- That'll be 14 sesterces. - What? You're joking!
My poor Astérix, you know it breaks my heart to raise my prices.
That said, we're barely more expensive than Rome.
That's outrageous! Drop your price this instant!
Drop my price? What for?
Even at 7 sesterces, my mackerel is selling like hot antiques!
I'll take one.
- One mackerel for two? - That's right.
And the fish, we just leave it? 'Cause we really have nothing left to eat.
It's none of my business, but...
Have you all totally lost your minds?
The great Astérix won't let us harm civilians.
And then when we welcome them, he makes us...
It's insanity! 7 sesterces for a mackerel?
You need to stop this nonsense now and start helping us!
Help you do what, for Gaul's sake?
Help us find a way to make the Romans go back to Rome
so we can demolish the Mansions of the Gods!
That's right! And to demolish the Mansions of the Gods, they need to be empty!
But... they're our customers.
Romans are the future of the antiques business.
Oh, come on, Astérix, what's the harm in boosting business a little?
The harm is that you all turned into avaricious morons!
Not true! We were already morons way before the Romans came!
That's right! And we can't be avaricious, we don't know what it means.
If that's how you feel about it, I won't bother you any longer.
Oh, good.
Because I'm moving to the Mansions of the Gods!
- What? - I'm moving, too.
And so am I.
I refuse to stay a second longer in a village I don't recognize anymore!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you think this might be an ideal time
for a farewell song?
In that case, goodbye! I'm off to the Mansions of the Gods!
Unlike you, Romans appreciate artists. And I'll tell you this...
Assurancetourix? Come now or never.
In short, I'm outraged!
- Roman, we want an apartment. - An apartment?
Look, just leave, I don't want a scene.
There won't be a scene, we just want an apartment.
I'm afraid that's... impossible.
Oh, hello, hello, hello, hello!
Welcome to the Mansions of the Gods!
- It is with great pleasure... - What?
Anglaigus, you're even more stupid than you look.
We... we can't have Gauls living here. What will Caesar say?
What will Caesar say if he finds out Gauls want to live like Romans?
What will Caesar say if he finds out those fools deserted their village?
- Huh? - What will Caesar say when he realizes
his plan is working much better than expected?
- It's just, there's no more room left. - Make room, then.
Okay, no problem!
I'm sure we can arrange that.
Yeah, well you better watch out! Hercules is on the way!
All moved in. At long last, we have a home.
There! Barn! Take that!
Come right in!
- Well, what do we do now? - Any ideas, Astérix?
Not yet. I'll have to sleep on it.
This house is a little strange. It's square like a box.
It's called an apartment, Obélix.
If only we knew which box Mischiefus and his parents were in,
we could drop in and say hello.
Splendid.
Splendid, indeed. The poison is starting to spread.
It's time to strike! Spread the word in Brittany.
Tell each and every Gaul rebel
that a luxury apartment awaits them at the Mansions of the Gods.
Rent free for life.
Beautiful luxury apartments are now available for every Gaul villager
absolutely rent-free at the Mansions of the... Gods?
Free luxury apartments?
Well, if it means not seeing your ugly faces, I'll move there no later than today!
Be my guest! I'll give you a head start!
I think a good dose of civilization is just what I need.
I've had it with trinkets and mackerel.
But I'm the village chief, sugar plum! We can't move to the Mansions of the Gods!
Ha! Didn't say I'd take you along.
Don't let us keep you, big shot! Go boss the Romans around!
- Who said that? - Why don't you all move there?
Good riddance! And don't forget to take your phony antiques!
Take your rotten fish while you're at it! Leave it to the professionals!
I've had it with all you crooks and paddlers!
- Oh, so I'm a crook? - You're a paddler!
- Look who's talking, trinket trafficker! - Fishmonger!
Alright then, now what? I just sing?
Yes! Nice and loud!
Are you sure I shouldn't start off with something more low-key?
- You know, ease into it? - No, no, no, no!
You need to sing at the top of your lungs! It has to be powerful!
It's a new audience! Give them something they won't forget!
Right... Powerful it is.
- What in Gaul's name are you doing here? - After much deliberation,
we have decided to move to the Mansions of the Gods
- in order to satisfy our customers. - And for their sake,
we will discourage any attempt at a welcoming song.
Please note that the projectile just used for that purpose
- is a 7-sesterce top quality mackerel. - Come on, lads, let's go!
Gauls sure are a crazy bunch.
Did it stop or did I go deaf?
Let's go back. Take the bags upstairs.
Obélix?
Ah, there you are!
I hope you don't mind.
- We had nowhere else to go, I'm afraid. - We don't mind at all.
Get me a dozen, will ya?
Forward, lads!
Come on!
Ave!
Now follow me as we move on to the next monument.
Stay in the group, no straddlers.
No straddlers!
Come on, knock these down too! And that one too!
Now, to your left. I said left, left! Your other left!
I'm hungry.
Now, what was I saying?
- When? Before? - Now, just now.
Just now, you were laughing very loudly in a diabolical way.
- Maniacal, I would say. - No, before that!
Oh, before? Well, that's asking a little too much...
- You said "at last", I believe. - Oh yes! At last!
At last, I have the Gauls where I want them.
After years of humiliation, a taste of Roman civilization solved our problem.
- We conquered the Gauls! - Brilliant, O Caesar!
- We defeated them once and for all! - No! We cannot declare victory
until every single miserable hut in that village is destroyed.
Change of plan!
We have a village to raze.
- It is diabolical. - No, maniacal...
That way!
- Did you see one? - No.
- Then why did we turn? - To try somewhere else.
There was nothing back there. Over there! That way, that way!
- Whoa! Watch out! - Oh!
- You see one? - No, still no boars in sight.
They all left to get away from the construction.
Well, there might be a couple left.
Hold on...
What's wrong?
I... I feel a bit tired all of a sudden.
I gotta rest a few minutes. I'm not feeling so well.
- That is because you're hungry. - You think so?
Doesn't this happen when you go too long without eating?
I don't know. I never go too long without eating.
Then don't move! I'll get you a boar all by myself.
- I'll be right back! - Don't go too far, okay?
Mischiefus!
Idéfix!
Charge!
Hey, what is the matter with you?
I'll tell you what the matter is: we're on strike!
- Indefinitely! - And unanimously!
What the...?
We consider this assault to be potentially dangerous!
You gotta be kidding me. It's an assault! We're razing a village!
We demand that occupational health and safety regulations be respected and enforced!
We demand guarantees!
Until that old druid is captured, we stay on strike!
Otherwise, the Gauls have the magic potion! It's unacceptable!
Is this a joke?
While we're at it, we demand to be treated with courtesy and respect!
The tone you use when giving orders is intolerable! And a violation of...
The soldiers!
- They're gonna... - Destroy the village, yes, I know. I heard.
"Raze the village".
The exact wording of the order from Rome was "raze the village".
- Seize them both! - Hold on, Centurion. What about our demands?
What? Come on, it's the druid!
You wanted him, boom! He's handed to you on a platter!
- What more do you need? - For one, we're still negotiating
our free apartments at the Mansions of the Gods.
And you haven't addressed the issue of courtesy!
Arrest them, by Juno!
Using that tone will only make matters worse.
O... O... That's it.
O, Caesar, no earthly monument could ever rise high enough...
High enough to rival your...
Hey, what's this? I can't have this in here.
Yeah, well, it's not my fault a certain someone forgot to build a dungeon.
That's no reason to dump a cage in my entrance hall.
We have orders to keep the prisoners inside
where the Gauls won't find them and there's no room anywhere else.
This can't be happening.
An entrance hall with a cage in it is not okay!
High enough... high enough...
High enough to rival the greatness of Caesar.
Of Caesar!
Don't worry, Mischiefus, someone will come rescue us.
I'm not worried. When Obélix finds us, they'll be sorry.
But how do we let them know we're here?
I know how...
Please accept this modest banquet as a...
token of... a token...
Hey! Hey, you! Quiet, up there!
A token of...
Hercules...
Yes!
You're even smarter than I thought, Mischiefus.
There's no way I can negotiate free housing for all of you at the Mansions of the Gods!
- Well, you did it for the slaves. - We could even consider
- bringing our families from Rome. - What?
I haven't seen my wife in 22 years!
My wife was pregnant when I left and now I'm a grandfather!
Does family mean nothing to you, Centurion?!
Mischiefus!
By Toutatis, I'm hungry. Mischiefus!
Mischiefus! Mischiefus!
Mischiefus? Mischiefus?
Panoramix?
Anonymus, Astérix, look what I found!
Something's happened to Mischiefus!
Don't worry, Mischiefus is safe. He's with Obe...
Obélix?
Please tell me Mischiefus is with you! Did he come home?
- We have to search the riverbanks! - Hurry!
Obélix! Stay and guard the village!
I'm coming with you! Wait for me, wait for me!
Obélix!
I never heard of a legion living in luxury accommodations
with their wives and kids earning 22 asses a day!
- I don't earn half that in a week! - Centurion, we've got a much bigger problem.
- Gluttenus Maximus. - Gluteus Maximus?
- No, the Gluttenus Maximus. - What's Gluttenus Maximus?
The big, fat Gaul who's super strong without the potion! He's still on the loose!
And as long as he's on the loose, we stay on strike. He's too dangerous.
If you would just do your job, he wouldn't be on the loose!
- Just lost a point for courtesy. - Now listen!
- You... - Hungry...
Don't do that, Centurion, you'll wake him up!
Accept this modest repast...
No, this modest banquet.
Fabulous! So whenever you have prisoners,
- you just dump them in my entrance hall? - Shh!
Keep your voice down, Architect, you'll wake him up.
We have orders to lock him up. If the Gauls find him, our goose is cooked.
Good God, they've got Obélix.
That's what you said about the other two dangling above my mosaic!
Your mosaic stinks! It's sloppy work!
- Shut up! - My dad said so!
Be quiet, by Minerva. We need to put him somewhere secure.
Far from this noise.
I don't understand! We searched the riverbanks!
- Where's Mischiefus? - I guess... we must have...
passed him without noticing...
- Hey! What's the plan? - The same thing in the opposite direction!
Keep your eyes peeled, this time!
Dulcia, wait for me!
We should be in bed.
I hope they didn't wake us up at dawn for diddly-squat.
Yeah, the visit to the dolmens wasn't so early last time.
Alright, everyone, I'd like you all to gather round.
I hope they plan to serve refreshments this time.
At least we won't die of thirst, we brought water.
I'd like your full attention.
I know it's very early, but today, we have the rare opportunity
to witness a unique and quite possibly historic event.
Charge... please!
Archers, on my command!
Would you be so kind as to fire!
- Well, don't just stand there! Do something! - Just what do you want me to do anyway?
I don't know! Make it stop, talk to the centurion!
What centurion?
Would you please seize that midget?
What? I said please!
If the enemy has the magic potion, we refuse to fight!
That's why we locked the druid up at the Mansions of the Gods!
No druid, no potion!
- The druid? What druid? - Our druid?
And the fatso too!
- Fatso? What fatso? - Our fatso?
Well, whatever it is he just drank, it wasn't a Piña Colada!
Come on, he's bluffing! Don't fall for it! It's baloney!
Baloney? In a bottle?
Just who do you take us for anyway, Centurion?
You think that we're just lambs for the slaughter, huh?
Okay... if you want a job done...
you gotta do it yourself.
I'm all for dialogue, talking is fine, but you gotta know when to say stop.
So, we have superhuman strength now, do we?
How about I punch you in the face and you tell me if it's superhuman enough?
Well, go ahead, I don't recall you ever waiting for permission.
I'd love to, but I'm saving my first punch for Roman civilians!
Those Roman civilians, to be exact.
Look at you, strutting around in those ridiculous clothes!
Roman civilians? That's harsh!
Some chief you are, Abraracourix! I'll teach you to desert your village,
- you traitor! - Say what?
I'll teach you to desert your village, you traitor.
I got that, but what are you getting at?
I'm gonna punch you in the face
with the extra strength power from the magic potion!
Which you just saw me drink! Are you ready?
- Ready for what? - For a punch so powerful,
it'll send you flying to the other side of the forest.
By Toutatis, what power!
Only magic can give a human such strength!
And you're next! Try selling fresh fish, next time!
By Belenos, what a walloping!
And this one's from Vercingetorix himself!
Oh, Brittany!
Your soil soaked with blood heals the wounds of injustice...
My heart yearns for revenge!
Farewell to armistice!
Uh, wait...
So, do they have the magic potion or don't they?
Do they have it? I don't know. I don't know. I have brain fog.
Panoramix and Obélix are at the Mansions of the Gods.
Distract the Romans while I rescue them.
If you only knew, Astérix! I'm so ashamed!
We'll talk about that later!
Fellow Gauls, our beloved village is under siege!
Now, more than ever, we must all take a swig of the magic potion!
- Don't overdo it. - I'm not overdoing it!
Centurion, uh... in military terms, what do we do now?
- I don't know, I have brain fog. - The fine mess we're in.
Astérix!
Mischiefus is in this building, but we can't get in!
- You're sure he's in this one? - Trust me, there's nowhere else he could be!
Open this door, by Juno, or I'll knock it down!
- Dad! - Mischiefus!
Reception is closed, by Vesta!
Well, I say it's open!
- Astérix! - Panoramix!
How many of them are in there?
Go away or I'll call security!
But, but...
- Guards! Intruders! - Up here! Look up!
- Mischiefus! - Release the prisoners!
When I say that mosaic has a flaw...
it's because...
that mosaic...
has a...
flaw!
Mischiefus!
You know...
When the owl hoots, someone isn't sleeping.
Oh yeah? Well...
With nothing to say, you keep quiet. Ha, ha! Take that!
- Dad!
Tell me what you did with Obélix, Architect! Talk!
We don't have time to look for him, Astérix!
We have to make the magic potion immediately, and I'll need everyone's help!
- Ow!
Hey, guys, what happened back there? Didn't you notice I was locked out?
- Come on! You've been jabbering for hours! - Are you going to attack, or aren't you?
Okay, so... suppose we retreat, will you come after us or not?
There's a good chance we will.
Okay, let's vote again. Who votes to retreat?
Who votes to attack?
Alright, retreat.
Oh, no...
Let's go, lads! After them!
Oh!
Hey, you come back here with that salt!
That dog just ran off with my fresh herbs!
That mackerel costs me 7 sesterces!
Yes, that I can use. No, don't need that.
And this...
Oh, yes, that'll do. And don't know what that is.
Hurry, Panoramix, hurry!
Hey, why aren't you hiding in your apartment, Centurion?
Because I don't have an apartment, you took them all.
They're out of breath. I don't get it.
- Usually, when they come after us... - We never get away. They catch us.
Not proof enough?
What do I need to do to convince you they don't have the magic potion?
Carve it in stone?
Come on, lads, charge...
What in Juno's name is going on here?
Where is he? Oh, there he is! My beloved Caesar!
No earthly monument could ever rise high enough to rival the greatness of Caesar!
Please accept this modest banquet as a token of... of nothing.
That's all I got.
Do you think I came here all the way from Rome just to eat?
Not even a tart or a finger sandwich?
How about a knuckle sandwich?
Now get this garish grub out of my sight and get rid of it!
Hop, hop, hop, hop... When Caesar says get rid of it...
we get rid of it.
Boy, what a waste!
Arrest those rebels at once!
- Panoramix, hurry! - I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying!
But...!
Astérix, no! The potion isn't ready!
The potion isn't ready!
Panoramix!
Go check that out.
It's over, Gaul, you lost.
This time, Rome was mightier than your people.
Surrender and admit defeat.
I will never surrender.
Never. I'm Astérix, a warrior... and a Gaul.
That's odd. I was informed the Gauls had all become Romans.
Yes, and it's true! Look!
They have, O Caesar, they have! You've conquered the Gauls once and for all!
Behold your prisoners!
At long last, the moustachioed savages
and their barbarian civilization have been eradicated!
From now on, this stupid, arrogant little warrior
will be keeping his big, fat accomplice company... in the dungeon!
Obélix...
Nobody calls me fat!
Attack!
- Attack! - Attack!
- If you would be so kind!
Obélix! Obélix!
Open this door right now! Caesar's orders!
What is holding them up out there? Are they coming to help us or not?
I think the answer's yes.
And fire!
Pretty please!
If it's not too much to ask, could you...
The final touch.
You shall not pass!
Give it a rest, you old fart!
Ah... I'm in a pretty pickle, aren't I?
Fellow Gauls, once again, our freedom is under threat!
The devious tentacles of Rome...
Let's get 'em!
The Mansions of the Gods hopes you had a pleasant stay in Brittany! Boom!
Please use the exit located at the rear and get your butts back to Rome
because this party is over!
- He's all yours, Obélix! - You better believe he's mine!
- I saw him first! - Really?
Ready, you two? Crossover!
Act like soldiers, for Mars' sake!
I demand to speak to the person in charge!
The person in charge would be Caesar, ma'am.
- What are you still doing here? - It's a long story.
In short, um... when the construction was finished,
a career shift was, uh... the best option.
- And that's when the Romans... - That's all I need to hear!
Wow! Hercules!
Whatever you have in store for me, I hope as a Gaul you'll have the dignity...
- Some nerve to talk of dignity, Julius! - Some nerve?
This Mansions of the Gods business is not like you!
It's deceitful, underhanded and plain old sneaky! Shame on you!
What can I say? You get an idea, you try it.
- Sometimes it works... - Sometimes it doesn't!
You're going back to Rome and you're taking the civilians with you!
Remember you owe them luxury accommodations.
And don't forget: there's a village in Brittany that you will never conquer.
Not now or ever!
So be it. Veni, vidi but not vici!
Oh well, you can't vici them all, I suppose. Come on, everyone, back to Rome.
But I always thought that since I fell into the potion as a baby,
I'm not allowed to have any, right?
Yeah, yeah, we know. Just one little drop.
Thanks for everything, Astérix. Rome will seem pretty quiet to us now.
Here, Anonymus.
A little souvenir from Brittany.
Compliments of an old druid from Gaul.
Here, I made you a toy for your collection.
I'm no good at carving. That's all I know how to make.
Mischiefus...
Look out, here it comes!
Hercules Giantstone!
Romans, citizens,
I welcome you tonight to the very first, the one and only
Who wants to be a gladiator!
Alright, listen up. Slim Jim, you start out with the blow to the liver.
Then you turn towards Doughboy over there and give him the catapult slam.
I take it Doughboy means me. We all good?
Then he gives you the chinchilla chin lock.
Just go easy, okay? No broken bones.
Uh... what's the chinchilla chin lock again?
You grab his chin and wrench it to the side.
Ah, we've been over it three times!
If you do it like we practised, you won't get hurt, okay?
Uh, we did get hurt when we practised.
- Fine, get hurt, for all I care. - Have it your way.
Let us thank the divine Caesar
for the gla-gla... for the gladi... for the gladiators!
Ave, Caesar! Ave, Caesar!
Get me down!
Get me down at once, or I'll throw you to the lions!
Do you hear me? All 75,000 of you to the lions!
- Pretty impressive. - Who knew Anonymus had such talent.
And look, you're all dressed like Gauls. That takes some imagination.
Here we go again! Sarcasm begins!
I admit it, I dressed like a Roman, but I only did it to get closer to the enemy!
- Exactly. - Hey, we're in Gaul, not Rome!
- Watch your table manners, traitor! - I'm the traitor?
We're invincible!
No, better yet: indomitable, that's what we are!
Indomitable!
So I look him straight in the eye
and I says to him, I says, "Our demands are not negotiable! Periodus!"